Chaos

I open sleepy eyes to another day. Bright, clear and sunny, perfect weather, not too warm not too chilly, clear skies. Smile, stretch and close my eyes again, smiling. It’s that time of the day when there is really nothing weighing you down. Dreams and reality both blurred. If it weren’t so bright it would be the twilight zone of sorts, in a macabre sort of way. Eyes flutter open again the moment is gone as reality floods in.

I’m awake now but not quite so, the mind sleeps. I haven’t quite used it lately. No long debates and drawn out conversations. Lost! Lost, the companion of a life time. I step out of bed, the step is still light. The sunlight streams in broken rhythmically only by the curtain which gently sways. I move the curtain aside, it is a bright day, I step out, startled by the grass cold with not yet dry morning dew, at my feet. Fresh air fills my lungs, not for long as out of habit I reach to light up, inhale, nicotine hits home. Coffee, I’ll get it after this stick burns out; the smoke wraps itself, seeping through lungs and fabric alike. Inhale! Yes I know it’s the devils knife cutting out slices from life 5 minutes at a time. It’s gone with barely a few flakes of ash to show for it.

I close my eyes, tight so as not to let the light in, as my hands run through my hair holding it back. Sigh. I haven’t slept in a while, yet I just woke up, the mind sleeps and there is the day to go. Thoughts are empty, yes haven’t been using my mind much the past couple of days. What was I thinking? Wasn’t thinking at all I guess? Living it all in that moment. One crazy single moment at a time. Dumb, beautiful, crazy, all about that win, all in one moment, then to the next. Not thinking. Not today. May be tomorrow.

The day is bright and warm; still fresh, yet, the dew that tickled my toes is gone. I need a break. I have in living life, forgotten how to live. It’s time to pull out that list which gathers dust somewhere. I remember striking out something’s which were dreams well achieved. Each task, every test a celebration of self. Some things are just done to enrich life.

To myself aloud: ok quit dragging your feet and get back on that path. Not to be on amongst many but strive to be much more. It’s strange how we are always so busy running after what everyone wants that we forget what we actually wanted. Have to kick that habit. Soon. So what is next?

Back on track!